a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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