You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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