is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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