Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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