if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
