If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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