When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize