Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
