One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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