On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
