your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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