I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
