So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
