In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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