Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
