Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize