When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
