he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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