I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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