last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
