I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.