Having a random hookup so left but love u
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
