I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
