Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
