He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
