I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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