Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Who did Billy Mays play for?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
