My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
