I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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