I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
