Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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