she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
