I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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