Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
