Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
