don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
