I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
