I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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