its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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