there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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