That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
please come you make the beer taste better
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.