it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
