it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
