he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
