I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
