I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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