When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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