We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
