she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
