please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.