i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?