Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
