My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
