yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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