I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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