This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Found your dick twin last night
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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