i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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