you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
