i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
