i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
