I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
