How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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